the lonely one
Unlike a lot of people out there, i don't remember a time when my parents were ever together so a lot of you must think that its much easier cause that way i have no illusion of a perfect family, no shattering of any images of a mom and a dad holding their little girls hand, but that's not true. in fact i would have been happier if i had had the chance to live in that illusion.....
my parents got divorced when i was just 3 years old after which i went to India with my mom and my dad stayed in Singapore. when i was about 4 or 5 he got remarried. but i do visit him every year. i stay with him for a month and completely forget the fact that he never came to India to see me for a whole year. and its not like he can't he is a well off pilot for pete's sake!
his new wife is amazing! she is too amazing...
before my dad got married he was a lion but now he's no more than a domesticated little dog and as much as it pains me to see that, i can't help but feel a horrible kind of pleasure that by giving my mom and me up he lost a part of himself as well.
everyone tells me that my characteristics are just like his, but i don't want that! i don't want to be like my father!! i don't want to be like him, a cowardly, egotistical, jerk who needs to rub everyone's face in the dirt to feel good about himself!!
as for my mom she got a job and we stayed correction are staying with my grandparents. she puts up this 'strong woman' front which doesn't fool anyone and the only thing she cares about are my grades. well at least she does care my dad doesn't even care about that all he's worried about is his precious new family and money.
oh right he has a son now, he is a 48 year old man who has a 3 year old son.
every time i go there its like he is constantly trying to fix something inside me. there is something broken inside me, actually not broken more like empty.but that just helps deepen the void cause its then that realize that he's never gonna accept me for who i am, a scared little girl.
oh and the story gets worse my mom left her job in Bangalore and went to Chennai for private reasons and my grandmom well... shes a stressed out woman and guess who's her punching bag (Metaphorically), ME!!
my mom also had a very serious boyfriend for 9 years, who proposed to her when i was around 10-11 and me being the selfish bitch that i am asked her to say no because i was scared to lose my mom. they broke up a year or two later. i am the reason my mom couldn't find happiness, i am the reason she has become the short-tempered, man/relationship-hating zombie she is today. and then i have the audacity to bitch about her to my friends!
i guess what the people said about me being like my dad was right....yay!
but at the end of the day who am i to whine about my life i mean I'm sure a lot of people have it much much worse than i do but i cant help it I'm my fathers daughter being self-centered and self-absorbed is in my blood
you know sometime i think that if i wasn't born maybe my mom and dad would have been living a better life. my dad would have the perfect family i know he always dreamed of with a perfect wife and a perfect child, and my mom would be married to one of the most caring guys i know. their lives would have been so much better.
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