I fear having a family so much that I probably won't

by Noah
(Baltimore)

My parents were allegedly a common law marriage, but the state they lived in didn't recognize common law marriage at the time, so far as I can tell. They were hippies, my father was a drunk and a junkie, my mother left him when I was 2 and my brother 4.

My mother followed with a string of male and female relationships, though most of my youth she was a lesbian. She remarried in our adulthood, but divorced again after 12 years. All her siblings are divorced. My father remarried 4ish times and recently in his 60s decided he is meant to be a woman. He also feels the need to reconnect with us but that's all too messed up. He's never had a role in our lives, and managed to pay child support for one month out of our whole childhood. I have always wrestled with a lack of male figures who were sound and enviable. My brother and I both experienced mild neglect but also physical and sexual abuse from unsafe environments.

My brother married but wrestles with his role as father. We both started dating late, totally winging it and being taken advantage of by women, along with our own capacity for meting it out in response. I haven't dated seriously for almost 20 years, I'm mostly desperate and sad at age 42 and very single and ever more isolated from others, despite my recent embrace of Catholicism. I've always wrestled with unanswered prayer and seemingly absent divine father. My mother actually hints at and encourages me not getting married and the pleasures of not having a committed family life (this...she says to her own child whose life she messed with...).

I feel and think and am beginning to believe He in His Infinite wisdom is isolating me to keep me from continuing in a failed family legacy spanning generations on both sides of abuse and neglect. I and others may think I'd be a wonderful father, but what do I know about being a son, to God or man (especially given my F'ed upbiological father, who thinks he's a woman...)?

Comments for I fear having a family so much that I probably won't

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 26, 2016
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
same here
by: Anonymous

i rly fear of having family.my family's having conflict since i was a little.i don't even understand how they got married.i have a boyfriend and i don't wanna lose him but my heart always hesitate on having family.i need to see psychiatrist

Apr 15, 2015
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
True information is shared
by: Donna E. Kylers

But i am pretty glad to add new information in my memory after reading such phenomenal addition over your blog. Happy sharing please.


Jun 24, 2014
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Welcome Home.
by: Lynda

Hello, Noah. Welcome to God's Holy Church. You have suffered terribly due to the selfishness and sexual sins of your parents. Pray for your parents daily. Pray for healing for yourself and a wife, if it be God's will. The best way to meet women who could be a potential wife is through those who are fully committed to Our Lord and His Church. Find out where other orthodox Catholics gather and join in social events. I'll say a prayer for you. Will you say one for me? God bless you. Your sister in Christ.

Feb 02, 2014
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Praying for you and your healing
by: Anonymous

I am praying for you and for your healing, and so that you can know how much God the Father loves and cherishes you. Congratulations on your entry into the Catholic Church.

Dec 16, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Uh, no.
by: Anonymous

The thought makes my stomach turn. Consider that CONSIDERING it from that angle means; asking an abused child seeing the sexual abuse of themselves and other children as a way God would 'teach' them to consider a single life - by crippling their sensual and emotional life. Many such children were taught by their abusers - sometimes their father - that they were being "taught" a deeper lesson about themselves by their abuser taking advantage of them. Consider how that might 'color', to put it lightly, their view of the fatherhood of God and their worth as a child of God.

Nov 13, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
single life / celibacy can be a fulfilling gift
by: Anonymous

Perhaps God is calling you to remain single. It can be fulfilling, if you use the freedom well. It's important not to isolate yourself: joyful, meaningful, fun friendships are essential in order to prevent your solitude from turning into loneliness.

God bless you on your walk with Jesus in the Catholic Church!!


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Kids' Divorce Stories.